I was new to the school. It was also my first placement. And I was getting complaints.
I was teaching children aged between six and eight years. Each child had a disability, each a different range of abilities and difficulties. But it was George*, my seven-year-old student, who was the cause of most complaints.
George, it seemed, was leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Children crying after being "whacked." Children pushed off play equipment. Children avoiding him in fear for their safety.
George was just an aggressive child. Or so I was told.
Chatting with his mom I heard a different story. George was a boy who loved his sister, who loved being with people, who was eager to play with children his age. But he was also lonely and often excluded, to the great distress of his mother.
So I watched George.
I watched him as he observed other children. Then I watched him as he tried to join in and play. He often pushed his way in, grabbed the toys or disrupted the games. His intrusions were resented.
Asking why
"Why did you do it, George?" I wanted to ask. But there was something important I knew about George. He was developing more slowly than his peers. He had little language, and he found it hard to learn everyday skills by watching others. He could learn these skills, but only when they were taught explicitly and repeatedly.
He wanted to relate, to belong. But how can you ask to play if you don't have the words? How do you ask for a turn if you can't name what you want?
George's language was physical, and it was misinterpreted. Understandably, people reacted to what caught their attention: the pushing, grabbing and disruption.
So George was being punished. Like any other child who misbehaved, he was reprimanded. He was asked to take "time out" to "cool down." He was being rejected, and regularly visited the principal.
But, to George, the principal's admonitions to not hurt others and keep his hands to himself, didn't make sense. And "time out" made no difference. When he was sent back to play, he would do exactly the same thing.
He just wanted to play, and he knew no other language to use to get his message across.
Making changesChanging a child's behavior requires a supportive community. So I talked with George's mother, and then sat down with my mentor and all the teachers who worked with George and his same-age peers. We talked, not about responding to George's aggressive behavior, but about helping George belong.
We decided to connect him with children who had similar interests. These would be his buddies.
George's problems happened most often when he tried to play "tips", or "chasies." He saw his peers running around hitting each other, so he joined in the hitting. He had no understanding of the rules or of the difference between "tipping" and hitting.
So I joined in with his peers. We talked about the rules. We reminded George when he forgot who was "in." We taught him important words and phrases like "Bar!" and "You're in!" Not condescendingly, but as one child to another.
Seeing a Difference
In the next few months, there was a slow and steady drop in the aggressive events reported to me. No longer avoided, George would excitedly run out to play with his buddies. He had no need to hit and push his way into games.
At the end of the year it was obvious that George had outgrown the label of "the aggressive child." The staff at the school even began giving him praise and chatting with him.
And on the playground, instead of being awkward and alone, George could be seen playing happily with his buddies. Instead of receiving complaints, I was getting compliments. But it wasn't just me. It was the whole supportive community. Together we had met George's needs.
The highlight came six months after we started the process. One day George's mother came up to me, beaming. She held in her hand George's first invitation to a friend's birthday party.
Tips for families and teachers
Children can behave very differently at school than they do at home. The school environment involves more people and quite different social, physical, and emotional demands.
To understand what is going on at school can be difficult, and children cannot always articulate what is happening. Talking to everyone involved and watching what is actually happening will be important tools to work out what is going on.
The bottom line is that we cannot change a child's behavior if we are caught up in finding someone to blame or labeling the child. Being supportive and understanding, looking at the context of the behavior not just the behavior itself, will help start the process of change.
Find more ideas and resources on Amanda Gray's "Learning to be buddies" blog, at
http://amandag7.edublogs.org.
© Amanda Gray 2009
*Name and some detail changed to protect privacy.
Author Bio:
Amanda Gray is a teacher at the University of Newcastle in New South Wales, Australia. She educates trainee teachers about working with children who have disabilities. She has just released her first picture book, "Dave is Brave," as an ebook, the first in the "Learn to be Buddies" series. To learn more, visit
www.learn2bebuddies.com.au.